One big question we receive in our Bawdy Bookworms Insiders group is “How do you introduce sex toys into a relationship?”
It’s a common concern, whether you’re in a committed relationship or single with an exciting collection of vibes. It’s tough for many people to talk openly with their partners about their sexual desires and needs. It makes sense that adding battery operated toys, flavored lube ups, and other pleasure products can increase the anxiety.
Taking control of your sexual pleasure requires confidence and vulnerability. Even if you’re an expert at getting yourself off alone with your favorite rabbit vibe or glass dildo. Adding another person into the equation means being aware of their feelings and desires.
Don’t let the conversation scare you! Introducing sex toys into the bedroom is exciting and fun. You’ll be able to explore new ways to pleasure each other. It’s a brave new world so charge up your vibes!
Expert Tips: How to Introduce Sex Toys into the Bedroom
There’s no one way to introduce a toy into your relationship. Factors such as communication style, your sexual history (including abuse or trauma), and current mood can affect the experience. The same as every time you come together with your partner for sensual play. Read through the tips and choose the one(s) that feel right for you.
It’s important not to spring a sex toy on your partner without prior discussion. Hopefully clothed and before you have sex. Don’t spring the topic on them while you’re in the throes of passion. Choose a location that is safe for both of you. If you’re not sure how to start the conversation, here are some ways to broach the topic:
Talk about a romance book where the couple (or just one character) uses a sex toy. Share what you liked about it and ask your partner for their opinion. In Wrong Bed, Right Roommate by Rebecca Brooks, the woman has a favorite red vibrator that gets plenty of use. If you want to discuss beginner BDSM play, read Purely Professional by Elia Winters.
Share a friend’s positive experience using sex toys with their partner. Make sure the information isn’t confidential or ask for permission. Talking about sex toys and an anonymous couple can make initial conversations more comfortable.
Create a sex bucket list. We’re huge fans of making a list of new sexual experiences to explore. Pleasure coach Domina Doll suggest sitting down together and creating a couples sex bucket list, which can “include trying out various sex toys and fantasies.” She also shares that popular bucket list experiences are “sensation play, light bondage, and sexual role-playing fantasies,” all of which allow for introduction of pleasure products into the relationship.
How to choose your “first” couples sex toy
Now that you’ve introduced the concept of a sex toy into your relationship, how do you decide what toy to use? The multitude of toys available can make the process overwhelming.Some ways you can make the experience fun are:
Shop for your toy together. This the perfect opportunity to discuss your sexual desires and fantasies. Shop from the comfort and privacy of your home. Browse some online shops (like ours) and window shop. This will give both of you an idea of what each person is comfortable with trying. We’ve put together a list of beginner toys to jump start your window shopping.
Choose a toy that is pleasurable for both partners. This is where communication comes in. Pick a toy you’ll actually use–not aspire to use. It’s ok to be a beginner in a particular type of product like nipple clamps or butt plugs. Establish a baseline and you can work up to becoming an expert. That’s part of the fun!
“Think about the types of sex you enjoy, and introduce something that easily fits into what you currently do,” suggests Kait Scalisi, MPH, Founder of Passion by Kait. If you’re still not sure where to start she suggests vibrating cock rings because they are “great for vaginal and anal intercourse as they add yummy sensations but are hands-free.”
Related: a beginner’s guide to cock rings.
It doesn’t have to vibrate. When most people think of sex toys, they immediately think vibrators. Not everyone enjoys vibration. Or perhaps they want to explore sensation play such as hot wax or a Wartenberg wheel. Others may want to try role play which can include costumes. Don’t forget about sexual enhancers such as tingling creams.
As with anything new, there’s always worries and concerns. This is normal and valid. Don’t brush them aside. Discuss and help allay their fears.
They’re not good enough in bed. Your partner may be concerned that introducing a sex toy into your relationship means you’re unhappy with your sex life. Reassure that them that you want to experience the toy together. This mutual experience will bring you closer together and increase both your pleasure. Most people don’t use toys every day. Sex toys are just one more way to break up the routine and discover new pathways to erotic play.
The toys will replace them. There are toys that do things that is physically impossible for humans to replicate: rotating beads, twirling and lasts for hours. It’s easy to see why this is a common fear. No matter how technologically advanced a toy is, it’s not a person. “Sex toys don’t replace people – they’re just another tool in the toolbox,” Elise Schuster, MPH, Founder of okayso reminds us.
Not all toys will work for you every time. While this seems obvious, but if a pleasure product no longer gives you pleasure, set it aside. Don’t feel obligated to continue using it. There’s not thing wrong with you if the toy doesn’t make you happy. Set it aside and try again or move on to another product. The good thing is that there are so many options to experiment with!
No matter what pleasure products you choose, make sure you clean and store them properly after playtime. You wouldn’t want to ruin a favorite toy due to leaking batteries or melted material.
As we said earlier, there isn’t one right way to introduce sex toys into a relationship. You know your partner the best and how to approach the conversation. Take the tips that work for you and run with it.
What are ways you’ve introduced sex toys into your relationship? Share in the comments.