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If My Cone Dies, I’ll Be Heartbroken (Guest Post)

Today we have a guest post from Jocelyn Adler author of Bad Decisions the second book in her Smart Sexy Nerds series. She shares why The Cone is her most favorite toy of all time. (This post contains affiliate links)

Can I tell you a little story?  Yes?  Okay, good.

When I was in college (so… around the turn of the Millennium), there was this website where people would submit videos of their faces while they were masturbating.  Nothing explicit.  Just their faces.  There weren’t a ton of videos, maybe… 35?  Maybe 40?
But they were fascinating, those videos.  They taught me a lot.  Like… I had no idea how obvious a faked orgasm is. Seriously, is anyone ever fooled?
My other (vastly more important) big take-away from that site: there were other women in the world who liked to jill-off while laying face-down.  The site called them “pillow humpers” and it was a revelation to find out I wasn’t alone in liking this. I just thought I was weird.
aw yeah gif
Mind you, when I ran across that site, I was fully in my 20’s.  I’d seen plenty of porn, including porn of women masturbating.  But I’d never seen anyone hump a pillow – and there were women doing that, on this site!  More than one!  Something like 4 out of those 35!  That’s a statistically significant percentage!
Anyway, as you can probably tell, it was a big deal to me.
It was a big deal, because at some point, I’d gotten the impression that what I liked was wrong, and the way I brought myself off was somehow incorrect. Strange. Abnormal.  I’d tried doing it the way I saw women do it in porn and in magazines – on their backs, with everything open and exposed to the sky.  It felt completely bizarre, and not sexy at all.
But, even armed with this newfound knowledge that I wasn’t alone in what I liked… I couldn’t find any sex toys that catered to this preference.  And folks, one of my best friends in college worked at a sex shop – he took me to their Christmas party.  I wasn’t shy about what I was looking for, and I still didn’t find anything.
grumpy Daria gif
Fast forward ten years (…to ten years ago), and I was newly in love with my now-husband, then-boyfriend.  We went on vacation and walked into a sweet little couples toy shop (sort of like Bawdy Bookworms, but in a building instead of your internet browser).  And sitting on display in the middle of the shop was the first sex toy I’d ever seen, designed specifically for women who like firm, diffuse, broad pressure against their clits, instead of focused direct pressure and buzzing.
The toy in question is the now out-of-print (so to speak) “The Cone.”  It was a large, vibrating cone – you probably guessed that, right? – and it was perfect for sitting on while reading, or laying on top of, face-down, or kneeling over while doing… partner activities that I won’t detail here.  It doesn’t even look like a sex toy.
The Cone Vibrator
My future husband bought the pink version for me, and I have it to this day.
If it ever breaks, I’m going to be heartbroken.
I told Thien-Kim about it, and she had a few suggestions of things that are similar (or can be hacked to provide a similar sensation).  It makes me a lot less panicky about the day that my cone-shaped buzzing friend finally, inevitably, bites the dust.

Toys I Want When My Cone Bites the Dust

Magic Wand Rechargeable
The Magic Wand:   A tried and true favorite, this power-house toy can be modified in a million different ways!  On its own, I find the Magic Wand too buzzy and powerful, even at its lowest setting, but if you wrap a towel or some other sort of muffling device around it (… like a pillow?), I’m there, babe.  Bonus: this flutter attachment.
Humphrey Pillow
Speaking of pillows, check out Humphrey. I can’t say that I’d buy this, but… how could I write this guest post, and leave it out!?
Queen Bee
The Queen Bee: With a similar profile to the Magic Wand, this one is designed to offer different levels of intensity when you’re using the back of the toy vs. the front, where there is a custom “PulsePlate” that is patented (so you know it must be good? Hmmm).
Iroha Plus
Iroha Plus: Another vibe that doesn’t really look like a vibe – this leaf-bird-clam hybrid can either be pressed against the mons, against the clit, or, you can use the end to “hug” the clit.  I really want to try this one out.
Rianne S Moon Vibe
Finally, if you’d like something with a price point under $100 bucks, check out Rianne S Moon Vibrator. Shaped like a crescent moon (with an extra aggressive curve), this round toy probably offers the closest approximation to my beloved Cone.  The whole thing vibrates, and the tips of the “moon” can be used to circle… things you want to circle. Clits, nipples, penises, and so on.  Versatile!
Right!  Now that I feel safe, knowing I have options if my Cone breaks… let’s talk for a minute about why these toys might work for some women, and might not work for others.
Ladies (and Gentlemen), I remember listening to an interview with… I think it was Susie Bright, around the same time that I found that “faces of masturbation” website.  The interviewer asked her why she’d decided to become a sex educator, and she said that in the course of working at a sex shop, she’d seen a lot of things wrong with the world, but “Women are still coming in and they don’t know how to find their own clit, and that struck me as a goddamn national emergency.”
Ironically, it was around that same time that scientists were finally able to map the shape of the erect female clit – most of which is internal.  A development that got approximately ZERO media attention, then or since.
Did you know that the external part of the clit is only the tip of the iceberg, and it extends deep inside and circles your vaginal canal?  That even if you come from vaginal penetration, often it’s because your internal clitoral structure is being stimulated?  That is swells and expands with arousal, and that’s why the vaginal canal gets longer and narrower when aroused?  That the structure varies slightly from woman to woman, like the shape of penises varies from man to man.
Holy shit, guys, our clits are miracles!  Big ones!  And no one told us!
WHAT?! Gif
Okay, a few people told us.  I found out about it, somehow, right?
I found out from coverage of a show by an artist named Sophia Wallace.  The show is called “Cliteracy” and you can still find coverage of it online.  I wound up putting a fictionalized art show, inspired by that artist, into my book “Bad Penny” which is about a sex educator and Dominatrix.
If you’re more of a podcast fan, you can find a whole podcast on this subject, also titled “Cliteracy,” from “Stuff Mom Never Told You.”  The “Sex Nerd Sondra” podcast also talks about this subject, in passing, and is highly recommended.
Finally, if you’re like to read a whole chapter on the subject, check out “Come as You Are” by Emily Nagoski.  She has some excellent information in there on anatomy, the book is sort of like an owner’s manual for a cis female vagina.  And the most important piece of information?  Is that you’re normal.  Your sexuality is normal.  The things you think about to get you off?  Normal.  And whatever you have to do to stimulate your body?  Normal.
Even you and I, fellow pillow humpers (if any of you are reading this).  And if you’re not into strong, sustained pressure on your clit, you’re normal, too.
NPH HIgh Five Gif
Tell me, have you ever run across something that made you feel like you weren’t alone, when you thought you were?  Sexually?  If you’d like to share, I’m ready to listen… in the comments section, below.
Bad Decisions by Jocelyn Adler
Jocelyn Adler is a professional book nerd.  A librarian, an author, and above all, a reader.  Her new book, Bad Decisions, features a pillow-humping heroine and the two hot men who love her.
Thank Jocelyn! Make sure to follow her on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.
For just a few more days, her book Bad Penny is only 99cents!

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